God Says

Thanks to Steve for this link. Feel free to send your own to eoinglsn@yahoo.com

Bad Things About This Year

The stomach-squelching/squinty/head in a vice aftermath of Christmas seems the most appropriate time to put up a list of the very bad things that happened this year. It should be said that anything tragic or significant that occured in the public domain is completely ignored because it would be preachy; but also because I couldn't honestly say that I actually shed tears over anything I saw in the media this year. Obviousbly I'm also leaving out genuine personal tragedy in the group and stuff like: The realisation of a terrible and creeping loneliness when You Can't Hurry Love by The Supremes came on the radio on a brutally hungover Tuesday morning in February.

1. My little freakout after the disco-frazzle adventure to Mullingar.
Lowpoint~ uncontrollably violent head and hand twitching, random animal moans and crushing sense of doom. Counts as absolute high point of weekend for witnesses.

2. Having to steal Paul's trousers at his party.
Lowpoint~ getting Simon involved in the whole mucky business and then unfairly accusing him of telling others afterwards. Let it be said here, Simon can be trusted absolutely! He will not stir the shit.

3. Moving Apache Mountain Jackie seducing my brother on her last night in Dublin.
Lowpoint~ the moment Neil rang from her apartment to ask me her name and I realised that Jackie had one final insult for decency and good taste. I had a horrible image of her laughing manicly to the sound of "It's My Party" while stuffing her face with cake.

4. Jackie scoring everyone else I know.
Lowpoint~ it would have to be her less than romantic interlude with Simon. All the others were amusing or expected in some way (Neil, Simon, Alex, Paul, Sean O...am I leaving anyone out?). To his credit, Simon immediately recognised his mistake and gave all those present the finger while still wrapped in her hungry embrace.

5. Timo Maas in Portrush.
Lowpoint~ driving around a horrible seaside resort in Northern Ireland on a revoltingly downcast Winter night is miserable enough at the best of times, but when you throw into the bargain the fact that we were completely lost for most of the night, that Timo Maas himself was abysmal in the extreme and that all we had for sustenance were the remnants of McDonalds, it becomes the stuff of nightmares. Almost redeemed by the look of panic on Alex's face the next day when it was decided that he had to go into the Chinese to get the take-away.

Ways of Improving Christmas: Part II

After Christmas dinner, retire to your favourite couch, rub your belly and think about how much our Dave loves you.

Ways of Improving Christmas: Part 1

How about instead of putting an angel on top of the Christmas tree this year, we put up cardboard cut-outs of Richard Pryor. Print out a copy of Richard (let me recommend this one) , stick him to a Corn Flakes box, cut an outline around his figure and perch him on top of your tree. Better still, designate a day before Christmas, Friday the 23rd for example, as Richard Pryor Day and make a big deal out of mounting Mr Pryor on your tree. To cap it off, I'm sure he'd appreciate some hookers, random gunfire and a pile of coke at the ceremony.

Bicycle Rage: Back Up Story Vol.2

Christmas, as a buachaill, was always a little tainted for me by the tendency for my birthday to get thrown into the bargain. But I don't think there was ever the same sense of wonder surrounding it as there was about tv anyway. We were blessed to have such wonderfully non-cgi presonalities as McGivor, The A Team and the Chuckle Brothers. Uber-chief amongst these was the magnificent cult classic, BMX Bandits. Inspired by the anti-Newtonian stunts of Nicole Kidman et al, every kid in our park demanded a BMX and spent their formative years constructing make-shift ramps and narrowly avoiding prostrate younger siblings with their back tyres. Unfortuneatly, I learned some very harsh lessons about the nature of boundless enthusiasm during the BMX craze and some of those have stayed with me till this day.

The picture above was taken between accidents and captures a chastened yet resolutely enthusiastic child. Some months before I had been knocked down by a "cycle-crazed" teenager in Quinsworth Shopping Centre and broken my fibula in two places; one for each tyre. I can still remember the appalling look of remorse on the girls face. The bike though, seemed to sparkle malicously as it leaned on it's stand. It was too cavalier for my liking.

The cast did have two distinct advantages however. The first, obviously, was the attention. But the second was a little unexpected. The park where we lived outside Cork City was built on an impossibly steep hill. The favourite pass-time of the local kids was to race kamikaze style down that hill and the winner was usually the one who didn't resort to using the brakes. You'd be going so fast as you approached the bottom that it was completely useless to peddle. As a coward, I always pulled the brakes at some point and I never thought I'd trump the fearless Michael Looney.

That day soon came however. After a slow start, despite the push-off by two gleefully mongoloid locals, the extra weight of my outstretched plaster-leg sent me careering ahead of Looney and to within almost certain victory as I neared the foot of the hill. I was just about to raise a fist in triumph when suddenly, a blue Sierra rounded the corner. I slammed on the brakes, but only those on the front tyre worked. The back tyre lifted and I was sent flying over the handle bars. To compound my misery, the toe of my plastered leg caught on the bars and I was propelled, centrifugally, face first into the tarmac. That was the last time I was pretty.

My smart, short-sleeved white shirt was soaking with blood and I had been relieved of my front teeth. I must have looked like a cross between Kevin Spacey's characters in Seven and The Usual Suspects as I was cajoled towards my house by every kid in the park. I almost felt triumphant and was in so much shock that I could only laugh when I was presented to my mother.

The whole event is especially vivid in my memory as I had a wonderful dream about it a few weeks ago. In the dream however, the local kids stood ominously in the doorway of our kitchen, arms folded; just as a group of henchmen. Leaning on a cane, I offered my bloody teeth to my mother and smiled mysteriously. She peered at me, face etched in terror and screamed. Looking at my henchmen, she then screamed again. The second was so terrible that I was terrified out of the dream. Mercifully though, as I sat bolt upright in my bed at 4am, I realised that my mother's scream had become the theme tune to BMX Bandits in my head. Though still skeptical of bikes, I was reluctant to go back to sleep.

Film Wars 1

Ghostbusters VS Labyrinth

Although Ghostbusters tried so hard to be good, Vigo was just not as good a babysnatcher as Bowie will ever be. So the one and only reason why Labyrinth wins this bout is because Bowie could Dance magic Dance.

You remind me of the baby

What baby? the baby with the power

What power? power of voodoo

Who do? you do

Do what? remind me of the baby

I saw my baby, crying hard as babe could cry

What could I do?My baby's love had gone

And left my baby blueNobody knew

What kind of magic spell to use?

Slime and snails

Or puppy dogs' tails

Thunder or lightning

Then baby said

Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)

Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)

Good Things About This Year: Part 2

It was a pretty phenomenal year for new music. I practically doubled my cd collection with all that I stole/borrowed with my ipod and got the chance to see some of the best new bands (Arcade Fire, LCD Soundsystem and Antony & the Johnsons) in concert. My favourite albums (with sketchy ratings in brackets) of those that were released this year were:

1. Rarities & B-Sides ~ Nick Cave (8.8)
2. Funeral ~ Arcade Fire (8.5)
3. Milk-Eyed Mender ~ Joanna Newsom (8.4)
4. Tanglewood Numbers ~ Silver Jews (8.3)
5. Twin Cinema ~ New Pornographers (8.1)

I stumbled across a whole host of great old stuff this year as well and if you are looking to pick up Christmas presents or for those of you who are struggling with what I've loaded onto your computers recently, then I'd highly recommend:

1. Another Green World ~ Brian Eno (9.2)
2. Ease Down the Road ~ Bonnie "Prince" Billy (9.2)
3. The Wonderful and Frightening World of ~ The Fall (8.8)
4. Dusty in Memphis ~ Dusty Springfield (8.7)
5. You Are Free ~ Cat Power (8.4)

Good Things About This Year: Part 1

Best Things I Heard This Year:

1. "Aw Jackie....one day ALL that will be between us is soap."
-- Jackie asks Paul if he regrets his extremely random observation that she "would be a lot slippier with soap" now that he's sober. Jackie very quickly finds out that regret is not a word in Paul's vocabulary.

2. "When I have kids, I'm going to make them earn their school fees by spending a few years down a Jadeite mine in Burma; loosening rocks with their teeth."
-- Jony dispels what had become an irritatingly sincere conversation about parenting.

3. "Ah No!...I think I did it again."
-- Sean's relentless messiness at Electric Picnic.

4. "The thing I like most about Hitler, is that he didn't take any shit from magicians."
-- Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm

5. "I've been drinking at the airport bar, it's like Christmas in a submarine."
-- Silver Jews, I'm Getting Back Into Getting Back Into You

If there was something funnier than these, then leave them in the comments section.

Jim'll Fix You

Feeling the firm hand of Jimmy Saville, David Copperfield writes:
"I thought you might be interested in a Jimmy
Saville story, seeing as though the corpse-
botherer switched on the Christmas lights
this week in Bradford.

"When I was a child, my father, just like
Jimmy, was a keen marathon runner. One year,
when I was seven, my Mum and I went to
applaud my Dad over the finish line of the
Cardiff marathon. Sir James had also run
the race that year and, having finished before
my Dad, was recuperating at the finish.

"It was at the height of Jim'll Fix It fame and,
a group of pre-teen autograph hunters quickly
formed around him, and propelled me to
within touching distance of the sweaty star.
"Jimmy took one look at me, accused me of
'pushing in' and then gave me a very firm,
and painful, backhander across the face.
The surrounding parents and children fell
into a stunned silence, apart from my mum and
dad who pissed themselves laughing.
I started to cry."

The Ultimate Christmas Present

While Christmas shopping with Trish the other day I came across these lovely items in HMV. The packaging of "The Ultimate Natural Disasters of the 21st Century" is considerably more tasteful than the cover available in this country (our one has a picture of terrified children desperately trying to escape a wall of water), but the sentiment I'm sure is not lost. It's Disaster Porn! It doesn't get anymore debased. It's what you want! After all, how terrible would it be to have to sit through Superman 3 and Short Circuit again this Christmas after the television bonanza that was last year's tsunami?

Anyway, because I studied Economics, my instinctual reaction to these items was to recognise a wonderful business opportunity... and so, I urge you to invite Terror into your home this Christmas with the Guantanamo Home Detention Facility (see below). Have a good laugh at the Bill of Human Rights and determine your loved one's breaking points while you're at it.

I had the opportunity to test the G.H.D.F. recently and I would definetly characterise myself as a satisfied customer. As you can see from the first picture, the subject was a little reluctant initially; she certainly had a lot of questions about the process of Terror. Emma (13) was chosen because she is my little sister but also because her Study As A Bin was commended for having a "Beckett-like" quality on her Christmas report card. That is not a joke.

There are a number of Distress Options available with the package, each depending on the nature of the supposed crime. I chose Option B. The Terrorist was denied sustinance and subjected to alternating 3 hour schedules over the course of a day. The first schedule involved a medley of Chrismas songs by Brendan O'Carroll and Ryan Tubridy. The second schedule involved me skipping around the Facility dressed as Shirley Temple Bar and the insistent repetition of the phrase "Telly Bingo, Tuesday Nights".

I really feel like I've learnt a great deal about the process of Terror. The Facility was cheap and certainly easy to assemble.The best thing about the Facility is that because of the nature of Sovereignty, the Facility isn't subject to the Bill of Human Rights. Feel free to contact me if you are interested. The first five customers will recieve a bonus prize of the flight simulator "Torture Planes"- Can you get the plane in and out of the airport before the local Gardai find out?

The Guantanemo Home Detention Facility Company is regulated by the Irish Financial Services Regulatory Authority. Shirley Temple Bar outfit not included.

Grass Roots

Great botany is seldom recognised these days, alas the passing of neil, seen here sporting a nice Autumnal carpet of rigomortis, went fashionably unnoticed. It is said that his final words were muffled by his leafy disposition.

Narnia

I have to say that I'm looking forward to the prospect of seeing the Narnia film. I'm not really bothered by the fact that it is shamelessly riding on the coat tails of the Harry Potter franchise (that whole phenomenon has completely passed me by), but to the extent I'm interested, I'd be concerned about the Christian elements that are being pushed by the films financial backers.

Reading an article at the weekend about how the film has recieved backing by the Christian Right in the States, I was struck by how I had completely missed the point of the series when I read it as a ten year old. I was reminded in the article that the children are direct decendants of Adam and Eve and that Aslan mirrors that lovely part of the story about Jesus that Mel Gibson missed. It would be hilarious to see the reaction of animal rights activists if, in the film, Aslan was pinned to the cross and flogged mercilously.

When I read the book, the character of Aslan was a very remote one. Despite his central role in the overall plot, I wasn't that pushed about his resurrection and I can remember thinking that he was a little fussy about what he thought he could contribute. The intrigue for me was in the character of Edmund. Most kids would have appreciated the prospect of a secret world through the cupboard who's fate depended on the heroics of children; but it was his relationship with the Ice Witch that fascinated me. Like Edmund I was completely spellbound when she arrived on her slay. I hadn't been so strangely confused since I first saw Jessica Rabbit.

When Edmund "betrayed" his friends to visit the witch in her lair, I didn't completely understood his motives (neither did he) but it seemed the only thing to do. How could you remain loyal? I was in thrawl to his story, devouring the rest of the books and watching with my face pressed against the screen for the duration of the wonderful series on BBC. I can remember how disappointed I was to find out it was all Biblical later. I hope it isn't all CGI madness this time. I'll reserve judgement on Tilda Swinton until I see the film, but I think that Isabella Rosellini or Monica Belluci would have been a much better choice.

Another contributor has joined the blog and they seem compelled to operate under a silly name and conceal their identity. Not a good start. I've put up a beginner's guide to The Fall as well.